The fairest of them all…

… is Chris Hemsworth.

Dude manages to be hot even when covered in mud. So hot I had to watch his movie twice.

Above: Not covered in mud. Source: IMDB

I’m a sucker for fairy tales, even more so for gritty retellings. I appreciate a fairy tale where there are no song and dance numbers with cutesy animals, the villains are oddly sympathetic, and the heroines fight tooth and nail for their happily ever after instead of waiting for their princes to rescue them.

Given all that, Snow White and the Huntsman isn’t too bad. In this beauty contest for the fairest in all the land, the nameless Huntsman kicks everyone’s asses (see above), though Queen Ravenna comes a very close second. Charlize Theron is still one of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood, and her villain is the most compelling character to watch. Ravenna isn’t vain and evil so much as completely fucked up. In her world, beauty is power, and she is determined to hold on to it for as long as possible.

Holding on to power means Dementor-kissing pretty girls to rob them of their youth and beauty. This also means only beautiful women are in danger of becoming victims of her tyranny. After escaping the Dark Forest of DOOOOOOOOOOM!!!, Snow White and Hunstman encounter a fishing village populated by women who slash themselves across the face so the queen will leave them alone. Given the choice between beauty and survival, the women’s choice is clear.

For the queen, however, beauty is survival. Which is why she’s hell-bent on killing Snow White and eating her heart.

Snow White, far from being a wilting, sniveling snowflake, is a scrappy little princess who unfortunately is too easily distracted. That doesn’t stop her from breaking out of prison, recruiting a hot, mud-covered Huntsman and a group of dwarves into her service, getting quite a bit of combat training, and saving the day in the end. It’s not her fault she’s played by an actress whose range consists of exactly one facial expression. Kristen Stewart is pretty and has great skin, but I can take only so much of her vacant stares and gaping mouth before I start rooting for the villain.

I do like that the movie doesn’t have a neat, cheeseball ending. Sure, Snow White destroys the queen, heals the land and takes the throne. She also gets not one but two gorgeous men. Or does she? William (Sam Claflin) is a whining little bitch who helps attack a village full of women and children just so he can flush out his childhood crush who may or may not have a thing for him. (He’s one of two bowmen in that group and must have shot some of those flame-tipped arrows. Yeah, he didn’t kill anyone, just burned down their homes.)

And Huntsman? Still not over his dead wife. (“You remind me of her,” he tells Snow White’s seemingly-dead body.) There’s also such a thing as chemistry, which is nonexistent in this movie. These kids have issues to work out. That’s cool.

Here’s a thought: Snow White turns into Lord of the Rings somewhere in the middle. If Chris Hemsworth had been older when the LOTR movies were made, or if LOTR had been filmed now instead of 13-15 years ago, he would have made an excellent Aragorn. Mud on his face and all. If Dragon Age: Origins ever gets made into a live-action movie, I want Hemsworth to play the Grey Warden. And, um, Chris Evans to play Alistair. Eeeeeeeeeeee!

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5 thoughts on “The fairest of them all…

  1. I have never seen a Hemsworth movie.I think I’m the only one. hehehe. My sister also said that it does turn sort of LOTR-ish and Mononoke Hime.

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